Christmas Time

Christmas time is a tough time for us. When we think of Christmas we think of children running around all excited to open their gifts wondering what Santa is going to leave for them. This is just a huge reminder that we are once again with out chirldren of our own. I think that this Christmas is a little but more diffacult, if the Invtro worked we would of been expecting a child next month. I can't help but think that this Chiristmas would be filled with baby gifts for Brian and I. Hopefully 2008 will be our year!

Bitter Sweet?

I know it has been such a long time since I have blogged, I have got to get back into the swing of it! I am not even sure if anyone still checks out my blog, but even if no one does it is still therapeutic for me. October/November....what a month! I went down to Georgia for an friend from high schools wedding. The first time back since I moved away! It was wonderful. I was lucky enough to have my best friend come with me to be my "wing man" in case it was weird with my old high school friends! Luckily it wasn't weird at all, it was perfect. Jeni stole the show and all my friends fell in love with her. While we where down there I was always hot, not just hot but sweating, when everyone else was cold I was burning up! I didn't have much of an appetite. Just kind of blah! But I was thinking it was because I was in GA, it was still considered summer time there (75-85 degrees) I didn't exactly bring the right attire for that weather sinceback home in MN it was far from shorts and tee's! So we didn't think to much about it! Jeni and I got home a week later and I was talking to her about how I was still feeling weird, extremely hot, still didn't have an appetite. Jeni had said to me..."Jill I should have been a better friend and told you that you where pregnant earlier!" Immediately my response was, no, no, no there is no way that I could be pregnantI am on birth control (I was on birth control because after being on the pill you have 3 months of good eggs, we where toying with the idea of Invetro again)!! So I took a test and sure enough for the first time in my life there was two lines! WHAT!!! I was on the phone with Jeni after all I was really only taking the test for her. I never thought, in a million years that she was right. I was paceing around the house waiting for Brian to get home, but at the same time I was hesitant to tell him. I didn't want him to get his hopes up if for some reason it wasn't true! So I decided to wait until I went to the doctor to be 100% sure that I was truly pregnant. I went into a Planned Pregnant Hood immediately the next moring, I needed to know! Sure enough the nurse handed me a slip that said I was pregnant! Now that's 2 positive tests! Yahoo that's two!! I had an appointment with my specialist later that day to get blood work done. 1:00 couldn't come fast enough. Finally after what seemed to be weeks one o'clock rolled around. I gave blood and my nurse told me that she would give me a call with the HCG levels. Again the waiting game began... The nurse called me around 4:00 and said that I was indeed pregnant, but...the dreaded but, here it comes... my HCG levels where not very high. So she was unsure if it was just so early in my pregnancy and my levels would raise over night, or if was what they call a chemical pregnancy. So I was to come back in the following day to get my levels checked again. Again I wait. I decided to tell Brian that night. We both where trying to stay optimistic, after all this was our first positive test. I went back in and gave blood, waited for the nurse to call me back, and sure enough, my levels had dropped. I was no longer pregnant. They said it most likely was what they call a Chemical Pregnancy.(see below for decription) Ugg so here we go again. I was so angry and upset. I just kept thinking why, why, that was just a really mean trick! After all that we have been through why!!! After all the anger and sadness and we where able to think straight, we decide that this was bitter sweet. After all the doctors, shots, meds, emotional roller coasters we have been on. My husband actually got me pregnant! Was this a sign??? We decided that we would make another a new concrete plan...we where going to try to 'forget'(as difficult as that was going to be) about everything and start living our life's like we did before we knew about all of our infertility issues, until June first. If nothing happens naturally we are going to start our own adoption journey. We are both looking forward to the next 8 months...who knows what could happen! I promise I will start blogging again and keeping you all posted with everything! Chemical pregnancy… What is it? It is a term used for an early miscarriage. It is a pregnancy that has miscarried prior to the gestational sac becoming visible on an ultra sound. Pregnancies don’t show on an ultra sound until 5 or 6 weeks. At this point it is considered a “Clinical Pregnancy”. The names only refer to if they can or cannot see the sac with an ultra sound. Many doctors out there will tell you that it was’t real and it’s nothing to cry or grieve over. This is not true. A chemical pregnancy is a real pregnancy that was detected only by chemicals, not an ultrasound. It’s like that saying, “Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there”. So you got a positive pregnancy test… This means you did conceive! Pregnancy hormones just DON’T float around in your body and then “poof” they are gone. Pregnancy tests today are much more sensitive to the HCG hormone and can detect these early loses. Chemical pregnancies are unfortunately very common among woman. Around 50 to 60 percent of first pregnancies end in miscarriage, even without the woman knowing it. You are not alone! Many women go through these ordeals. Take the time you need to grieve for your loss and look forward to the positive side. Even awful tragedies can bring positive outcomes. Here are a few good points about having a chemical pregnancy: 1. You know you are able to conceive. This means you are fertile. 2. You did nothing wrong… These are usually the cause of chromosomal abnormalities, immune issues, luteal phase defect, low hormone levels, inadequate uterine lining or obstructions in the uterus such as fibroid tumors. They are not due to your excessive jogging the day before or that volleyball that hit you in the side. 3. Most women who miscarry go on to delivering healthy babies.