Just what we needed

Brian and I decided that this weekend we where going to put life aside and do something fun with each other. So we packed up the dogs and headed up north the to cabin. It was so relaxing just what we needed. I was able to do some reading, relaxing, get a little sun and take some great pictures of the wild life and scenery. Brian built some steps for the new trailer that we just put on the land, and put in a large window in the living room. He always amazes me how he can do anything. At night we hung out around the campfire, chatted and laughed a lot! We had such a great time with each other. This was something that we both needed, a long over due weekend away.

Infertility Myths & Facts

Myth: "Infertility is a woman's problem " Fact: Not true. In fact, infertility is just as likely to be caused by a male factor as a female factor. Male factor accounts for 40% of infertility, female factor accounts for 40%, combined female and male problems account for 10% and the remaining 10% are of unexplained causes. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up. Myth: "Everyone else seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat!" Fact: It is estimated that 1 in 6 people experience infertility at some point in their lives. According to the National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS) approximately 4.5 million couples experience infertility each year. Less than 2 million of the infertile couples actually seek help from the medical community. Infertility is a common health problem in men and women. Fortunately, 90% of all cases have a specific cause for the infertility that can be uncovered with proper diagnosis by physicians who specialize in reproductive medicine. Myth: "It's all in your head - if you relax and stop thinking about it you will get pregnant!" Fact: Infertility causes stress - stress doesn't cause infertility. Infertility is a medical condition; a disorder to the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you cope and with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Myth: "If you adopt a baby you will get pregnant!" Fact: Almost every infertile couple has probably heard the story from a relative or friend about someone who became pregnant right after they adopted. However, studies prove that the pregnancy rate after adopting is the same for those who do not adopt (5% each) - it's just the ones who adopt and then achieve pregnancy are the ones you hear about more often. Myth: "Maybe you two are doing something wrong!" Fact: Infertility is not a sexual disorder, it's a medical condition. Myth: "If you have sex every day it will increase your chances of getting pregnant" Fact: Because normal, healthy sperm remain active in the woman's reproductive system from 48-72 hours, having intercourse at 36-48 hour intervals around the time of ovulation is usually adequate. In fact, if the man has a low sperm count that replenishes slowly, having sex every day may be counterproductive. Myth: "For some couples, getting pregnant just takes time. Fact: Couples should seek consultation after 12 months of unprotected intercourse if they have not achieved pregnancy. For couples over 35 years of age, it should be after six months. Myth: "Infertility only happens to couples who have never had a child before." Fact: Unfortunately for many couples who have a child and wish to conceive again, a variety of factors can contribute to what is known as "secondary infertility." A number of problems could have occurred since the last conception. Myth: "Maybe this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!" Fact: This is a very painful thing for any infertile couple to hear and can be very discouraging. You need to keep reminding yourself, and others that infertility is a medical condition, not God's will. Myth: "My spouse might leave me if we can't conceive a child" Fact: While infertility can take a toll on any marriage, the majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis with their marriage still intact. Most couples find the process of learning new ways of relating to each other, the experience brings them closer together.

One Tough Week

As you all know Monday morning I woke up with a terrible head cold, little did I know this was just the start to a terrible week... Monday: Woke up with a terrible head cold and migraine. Stayed home from work convincing my self that it was worth all the pain if there was a child developing inside me. Tuesday: I woke up still feeling crummy but thought if I went to work it would take my mind off my cold. It worked! I was feeling better around lunch time. Yahoo!!! Brian and I decided to go out for dinner, while we where at dinner I started having some cramping. I kind of brushed it off thinking/hoping that it had something to do with my cold. We later went home and went on with our nightly routine. We went to bed around 10:00 and about 2:00am I woke up to really bad cramps. I went to the bathroom and there wasn't any blood so I again tried to think nothing of it, but in the back of my mind I started to freak out. Not being able to take anything for the pain I jumped into the bath tub. That helped with the cramping for a bit. I got out of the tub and grabbed the heat pad hoping if I could fall asleep I would wake up and everything would be better. As I was plugging in the heat pad I accidentally unplugged my alarm clock. I had a complete melt down. I was on the floor balling, knowing in the back of my head it was over. Brain did his best to console me but at that point I was to far gone. I was completely freaking out, I couldn't control myself I was not ready for this to be over. Especially since our appointment to find out if we where pregnant was on Friday. I finally fell back asleep around 4:00am. Wednesday: I woke up Wednesday morning angry, sad, confused. I went to the bathroom and my worst fear was staring me in the face. There was blood. I don't really remember getting ready for work that morning. I just remember wanting to get to work so I could call my doctor (they don't open until 8:00) I have no idea why I thought it would be a good idea to go to work but I was there. Brian called me on the way into work and I lost it. It was heart breaking for me to have to tell Brian that I was still cramping and now there was blood. Finally eight o'clock came. I called my doctor and the second I heard my nurses voice I started to cry. I said "LouAnn, bad news, I think I got my period." She asked me lots of questions and told me that 50% of her patients do bleed so that’s ok but it is the cramping that is concerning to her. She told me not to give up yet that she still wanted me to go to the doctor on Friday and take my Beta test. I walked out of the office I was in and tried to control myself long enough to collect my things and get out of the door with out any kids seeing me. I told my co-worker that I had to leave and I would call later. I immediately called Brian and told him what the nurse said. This is the moment that we both started preparing for the worst. I called my mom at work she answered the phone I tried to get the words out so she would know it was me but all that came out was a squeak followed by sobs. She knew immediately what had happened. She tried to convince me that there still was hope. The rest of the day was a blur. Thursday: I really can't tell you what happened on Thursday. All I remember was talking to my nurse every hour and that there wasn't any cramping, still blood but no cramping. I though maybe there was still hope. A little bit of light was still shining for me, not much, but it was there. Friday: I went to the doctor at 7:30am to get my blood taken. We arranged it so the nurse was going to leave a me a message on my voice mail with the results so I could check it when I was ready. I got home from work around 4:00 and Brian and I put the phone on speaker and listened to our message. Both shaking with fear, knowing the answer but still hoping for something else. The nurse confirmed it. I was not pregnant. My Beta level was only a one. Not good. She said that I could go back in on Monday to have them tested again but the likely hood of them rising where very slim. I declined that visit. Brian I and I just held each other for what seemed to be all night.It was hard to compreheand that just like that all of our hard work for the past 2 1/2 years was gone, and we are back to square one. We started calling our parents to let them know that it didn't work. That was tough. We wanted everyone to know but we didn't want them to feel bad for us. It was a rough night. We are going into talk with our doctor to find out what’s next sometime next week. Although our invetro didn't result in a pregnancey we are very greatful that we tried. At this point we are unsure of what we are going to do next, another round of invetro, adoption, waiting? Who knows! Brian and I are both very sad, but we are going to be ok. Everyday is better than the last. We appreciate all the kind words people have said to us. We really want everyone to know that although we are sad and disappointed we are not giving up. We know that we will be parents soon.

Head cold

Ugg, Sunday was a tough night. Over the weekend I developed a head cold, and Sunday night brought a major head ache! I have never had such a head ache in my life, I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital. I was to afraid to take anything even though my doctor said Tylenol and Sudafed would be ok. It was tough being in so much pain and knowing that just a few steps away there would be instant relief. I just kept thinking that the head ache was worth it if there is a child developing inside of me. I know that if I did take medicine and something went wrong and I wasn't pregnant I would directly relate it to taking the medicine. Even though that most likely would not be the reason. I made it though the night! I woke up with a little bit of a head ache, but I was able to sleep it off and it was all gone by lunch time! Hooray! I like to think that I got this head cold because my body is working so hard in other areas that my immune system is not working at its fullest! I am sure that’s not the case but it sure does make me feel better!

I am petrified!

Today, I made my doctors appointment to see if the invertro worked. It was so weird. I called my doctor and she asked how I was doing like always and something took over me, I wanted to say good, as people always respond but instead I said scared! It was crazy! I guess my inner feelings are coming through! Its so weird how something you have wanted forever can all of a sudden scare the crap out of you! She asked what time I wanted to make the appointment for and I couldn't make up my mind! I kept thinking should I find out in the morning or in the afternoon or later that night! She than informed me that it is a blood test and I would be getting a message on my voice mail around 3:00pm. So that took the load off! I could find out when I was ready. I thought that I would be so excited to find out but now it just petrifies me! Not the thought of actually being pregnant but the thought that if it doesn't work I will know. I like the thought that at this very moment I could be pregnant. I want to keep that feeling for as long as I can. Its kind of like Christmas when you where a teenager you couldn't wait to open gifts but you also wanted to wait because you knew that you may not get what you really wanted. It is a very weird feeling, its going to be a long wait!

Transfer Day

I woke up this morning to a phone call from a friend of mine. She said..."remember this day. It is an awesome day that will change you forever. Get ready today is the beginning of a new chapter for you and Brian." Her words stayed with me all day. I kept thinking,'I am going to the doctor to hopefully become pregnant. 'My life is no longer about me, starting today I am not only responsible for myself. I have to be sure to protect this child that they are going to be putting inside of me.' It is a very weird feeling to know the exact moment that your life is going to change for ever. No matter what the out come is, my life will be changed forever... My sister always wonders what is going through the head of a bride the night before her wedding...let me tell you Liz, that was nothing compared to this! Brian and I got to the doctors office this afternoon and they led us back to the room that I have been waiting to go to...the 'Transfer Room.' Walking in I felt proud, proud that we have finally made it to this point. There was another couple in the 'Meeting Room' and I couldn't help but think back to our first meeting at this clinic, how I never thought we would make it across the hall into the 'Transfer Room' I wanted to interrupt their meeting and tell them that one day the too will be walking into this room, feeling as proud as I do. That it is a long journey but a journey worth taking. The Linda form the lab came in and handed us our 'embryo report card' that would tell us if we could indeed go through with the transfer, exactly how many made it though the night and the grade of the embryo. 'A' being the best. She asked that I put my gown on and that she would be back in a few min to go over the results. I held on to our 'report card' for a few seconds scared to look at it. Not quite ready to know our fate. Brian grabbed it out of my hands and opened it up. It said... Number of oocytes retrieved 7, number of oocytes ICSI'd 6, number of oocytes fertilized 1, number of normal embryos 1, embryo grade c, number for cells 4, Number of embryos to transfer 1. When Brian read this to me, my heart sank. Not because we would only be implanting one embryo, but now if we wanted more than one child we will have to go through all of the medication again. There was not any to freeze for further use. Linda came back in with Dr. Corfman and they went over the 'report card' He said that the number of cells was at four and that is wonderful and that just because the grade is C doesn’t mean that there is anything genetically wrong. There are plenty of babies on the board that are lower than a C. (they have a board with baby pictures on it) Dr. Corfman went over how he was going to perform the transfer. He said that he was going to put a catheter up my vagina into my uterus. Than with a needle put the embryo up into the uterus with some liquid. The actual transfer took no longer than 5 min. The only thing that I could feel was a warm sensation when he was actually putting the embryo in. It was amazing! Dr. Corfman said that the embryo would not actually attach to the wall for 2 to 3 days. Than we would have to wait a few weeks and come back in to see what the results where. Its very hard to think that the retrieval took only 7 min and the transfer only took about 5 min but it took us 2 years to finally get to this point! After the doctors left Brian looked at me and asked how I was feeling... I told him that I was sacred. That this is the first time in my life that I have ever been this scared. There is nothing that we can do, it is in someone elses hands now. He looked at me with the most nervous look in his eyes, he didn't have to say anything I knew exactly what he was thinking and feeling. We sat in silentes for the next few min. Letting everything soak in, reminiscing on the past few years. Both Brian and I are thrilled that we have made it this far. We both can finely breath again. We are hoping and praying that everything will be ok, and in 9 months we will have a beautiful child that we too can add to the wall. We know that this is not a guarantee and are extremely scared, but know that if we have made it this far there is nothing that can come in between us and our dream of one day becoming parents! This will go down in our top 5 most memorable days!