One Tough Week

As you all know Monday morning I woke up with a terrible head cold, little did I know this was just the start to a terrible week... Monday: Woke up with a terrible head cold and migraine. Stayed home from work convincing my self that it was worth all the pain if there was a child developing inside me. Tuesday: I woke up still feeling crummy but thought if I went to work it would take my mind off my cold. It worked! I was feeling better around lunch time. Yahoo!!! Brian and I decided to go out for dinner, while we where at dinner I started having some cramping. I kind of brushed it off thinking/hoping that it had something to do with my cold. We later went home and went on with our nightly routine. We went to bed around 10:00 and about 2:00am I woke up to really bad cramps. I went to the bathroom and there wasn't any blood so I again tried to think nothing of it, but in the back of my mind I started to freak out. Not being able to take anything for the pain I jumped into the bath tub. That helped with the cramping for a bit. I got out of the tub and grabbed the heat pad hoping if I could fall asleep I would wake up and everything would be better. As I was plugging in the heat pad I accidentally unplugged my alarm clock. I had a complete melt down. I was on the floor balling, knowing in the back of my head it was over. Brain did his best to console me but at that point I was to far gone. I was completely freaking out, I couldn't control myself I was not ready for this to be over. Especially since our appointment to find out if we where pregnant was on Friday. I finally fell back asleep around 4:00am. Wednesday: I woke up Wednesday morning angry, sad, confused. I went to the bathroom and my worst fear was staring me in the face. There was blood. I don't really remember getting ready for work that morning. I just remember wanting to get to work so I could call my doctor (they don't open until 8:00) I have no idea why I thought it would be a good idea to go to work but I was there. Brian called me on the way into work and I lost it. It was heart breaking for me to have to tell Brian that I was still cramping and now there was blood. Finally eight o'clock came. I called my doctor and the second I heard my nurses voice I started to cry. I said "LouAnn, bad news, I think I got my period." She asked me lots of questions and told me that 50% of her patients do bleed so that’s ok but it is the cramping that is concerning to her. She told me not to give up yet that she still wanted me to go to the doctor on Friday and take my Beta test. I walked out of the office I was in and tried to control myself long enough to collect my things and get out of the door with out any kids seeing me. I told my co-worker that I had to leave and I would call later. I immediately called Brian and told him what the nurse said. This is the moment that we both started preparing for the worst. I called my mom at work she answered the phone I tried to get the words out so she would know it was me but all that came out was a squeak followed by sobs. She knew immediately what had happened. She tried to convince me that there still was hope. The rest of the day was a blur. Thursday: I really can't tell you what happened on Thursday. All I remember was talking to my nurse every hour and that there wasn't any cramping, still blood but no cramping. I though maybe there was still hope. A little bit of light was still shining for me, not much, but it was there. Friday: I went to the doctor at 7:30am to get my blood taken. We arranged it so the nurse was going to leave a me a message on my voice mail with the results so I could check it when I was ready. I got home from work around 4:00 and Brian and I put the phone on speaker and listened to our message. Both shaking with fear, knowing the answer but still hoping for something else. The nurse confirmed it. I was not pregnant. My Beta level was only a one. Not good. She said that I could go back in on Monday to have them tested again but the likely hood of them rising where very slim. I declined that visit. Brian I and I just held each other for what seemed to be all night.It was hard to compreheand that just like that all of our hard work for the past 2 1/2 years was gone, and we are back to square one. We started calling our parents to let them know that it didn't work. That was tough. We wanted everyone to know but we didn't want them to feel bad for us. It was a rough night. We are going into talk with our doctor to find out what’s next sometime next week. Although our invetro didn't result in a pregnancey we are very greatful that we tried. At this point we are unsure of what we are going to do next, another round of invetro, adoption, waiting? Who knows! Brian and I are both very sad, but we are going to be ok. Everyday is better than the last. We appreciate all the kind words people have said to us. We really want everyone to know that although we are sad and disappointed we are not giving up. We know that we will be parents soon.