Christmas Time

Christmas time is a tough time for us. When we think of Christmas we think of children running around all excited to open their gifts wondering what Santa is going to leave for them. This is just a huge reminder that we are once again with out chirldren of our own. I think that this Christmas is a little but more diffacult, if the Invtro worked we would of been expecting a child next month. I can't help but think that this Chiristmas would be filled with baby gifts for Brian and I. Hopefully 2008 will be our year!

Bitter Sweet?

I know it has been such a long time since I have blogged, I have got to get back into the swing of it! I am not even sure if anyone still checks out my blog, but even if no one does it is still therapeutic for me. October/November....what a month! I went down to Georgia for an friend from high schools wedding. The first time back since I moved away! It was wonderful. I was lucky enough to have my best friend come with me to be my "wing man" in case it was weird with my old high school friends! Luckily it wasn't weird at all, it was perfect. Jeni stole the show and all my friends fell in love with her. While we where down there I was always hot, not just hot but sweating, when everyone else was cold I was burning up! I didn't have much of an appetite. Just kind of blah! But I was thinking it was because I was in GA, it was still considered summer time there (75-85 degrees) I didn't exactly bring the right attire for that weather sinceback home in MN it was far from shorts and tee's! So we didn't think to much about it! Jeni and I got home a week later and I was talking to her about how I was still feeling weird, extremely hot, still didn't have an appetite. Jeni had said to me..."Jill I should have been a better friend and told you that you where pregnant earlier!" Immediately my response was, no, no, no there is no way that I could be pregnantI am on birth control (I was on birth control because after being on the pill you have 3 months of good eggs, we where toying with the idea of Invetro again)!! So I took a test and sure enough for the first time in my life there was two lines! WHAT!!! I was on the phone with Jeni after all I was really only taking the test for her. I never thought, in a million years that she was right. I was paceing around the house waiting for Brian to get home, but at the same time I was hesitant to tell him. I didn't want him to get his hopes up if for some reason it wasn't true! So I decided to wait until I went to the doctor to be 100% sure that I was truly pregnant. I went into a Planned Pregnant Hood immediately the next moring, I needed to know! Sure enough the nurse handed me a slip that said I was pregnant! Now that's 2 positive tests! Yahoo that's two!! I had an appointment with my specialist later that day to get blood work done. 1:00 couldn't come fast enough. Finally after what seemed to be weeks one o'clock rolled around. I gave blood and my nurse told me that she would give me a call with the HCG levels. Again the waiting game began... The nurse called me around 4:00 and said that I was indeed pregnant, but...the dreaded but, here it comes... my HCG levels where not very high. So she was unsure if it was just so early in my pregnancy and my levels would raise over night, or if was what they call a chemical pregnancy. So I was to come back in the following day to get my levels checked again. Again I wait. I decided to tell Brian that night. We both where trying to stay optimistic, after all this was our first positive test. I went back in and gave blood, waited for the nurse to call me back, and sure enough, my levels had dropped. I was no longer pregnant. They said it most likely was what they call a Chemical Pregnancy.(see below for decription) Ugg so here we go again. I was so angry and upset. I just kept thinking why, why, that was just a really mean trick! After all that we have been through why!!! After all the anger and sadness and we where able to think straight, we decide that this was bitter sweet. After all the doctors, shots, meds, emotional roller coasters we have been on. My husband actually got me pregnant! Was this a sign??? We decided that we would make another a new concrete plan...we where going to try to 'forget'(as difficult as that was going to be) about everything and start living our life's like we did before we knew about all of our infertility issues, until June first. If nothing happens naturally we are going to start our own adoption journey. We are both looking forward to the next 8 months...who knows what could happen! I promise I will start blogging again and keeping you all posted with everything! Chemical pregnancy… What is it? It is a term used for an early miscarriage. It is a pregnancy that has miscarried prior to the gestational sac becoming visible on an ultra sound. Pregnancies don’t show on an ultra sound until 5 or 6 weeks. At this point it is considered a “Clinical Pregnancy”. The names only refer to if they can or cannot see the sac with an ultra sound. Many doctors out there will tell you that it was’t real and it’s nothing to cry or grieve over. This is not true. A chemical pregnancy is a real pregnancy that was detected only by chemicals, not an ultrasound. It’s like that saying, “Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there”. So you got a positive pregnancy test… This means you did conceive! Pregnancy hormones just DON’T float around in your body and then “poof” they are gone. Pregnancy tests today are much more sensitive to the HCG hormone and can detect these early loses. Chemical pregnancies are unfortunately very common among woman. Around 50 to 60 percent of first pregnancies end in miscarriage, even without the woman knowing it. You are not alone! Many women go through these ordeals. Take the time you need to grieve for your loss and look forward to the positive side. Even awful tragedies can bring positive outcomes. Here are a few good points about having a chemical pregnancy: 1. You know you are able to conceive. This means you are fertile. 2. You did nothing wrong… These are usually the cause of chromosomal abnormalities, immune issues, luteal phase defect, low hormone levels, inadequate uterine lining or obstructions in the uterus such as fibroid tumors. They are not due to your excessive jogging the day before or that volleyball that hit you in the side. 3. Most women who miscarry go on to delivering healthy babies.

Long time!

Wow I can't believe that on Friday the 13th it was exactley a month since my horrific night. I will admit that it took a long time for me to start the healing process. Although I am not 100% ok I am doing much better. I went from not wanting to talk to anyone (sending everything though text), to extramley sad to very angery. I have found that my friend was right when she said that this would change me in one way or another. As of right now Brian and I have not yet made anymore discussions on what we are going to be doing next. The one thing that we know for sure is that we have not given up on our true dream of being parents. I will keep you all posted!

Just what we needed

Brian and I decided that this weekend we where going to put life aside and do something fun with each other. So we packed up the dogs and headed up north the to cabin. It was so relaxing just what we needed. I was able to do some reading, relaxing, get a little sun and take some great pictures of the wild life and scenery. Brian built some steps for the new trailer that we just put on the land, and put in a large window in the living room. He always amazes me how he can do anything. At night we hung out around the campfire, chatted and laughed a lot! We had such a great time with each other. This was something that we both needed, a long over due weekend away.

Infertility Myths & Facts

Myth: "Infertility is a woman's problem " Fact: Not true. In fact, infertility is just as likely to be caused by a male factor as a female factor. Male factor accounts for 40% of infertility, female factor accounts for 40%, combined female and male problems account for 10% and the remaining 10% are of unexplained causes. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up. Myth: "Everyone else seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat!" Fact: It is estimated that 1 in 6 people experience infertility at some point in their lives. According to the National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS) approximately 4.5 million couples experience infertility each year. Less than 2 million of the infertile couples actually seek help from the medical community. Infertility is a common health problem in men and women. Fortunately, 90% of all cases have a specific cause for the infertility that can be uncovered with proper diagnosis by physicians who specialize in reproductive medicine. Myth: "It's all in your head - if you relax and stop thinking about it you will get pregnant!" Fact: Infertility causes stress - stress doesn't cause infertility. Infertility is a medical condition; a disorder to the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you cope and with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Myth: "If you adopt a baby you will get pregnant!" Fact: Almost every infertile couple has probably heard the story from a relative or friend about someone who became pregnant right after they adopted. However, studies prove that the pregnancy rate after adopting is the same for those who do not adopt (5% each) - it's just the ones who adopt and then achieve pregnancy are the ones you hear about more often. Myth: "Maybe you two are doing something wrong!" Fact: Infertility is not a sexual disorder, it's a medical condition. Myth: "If you have sex every day it will increase your chances of getting pregnant" Fact: Because normal, healthy sperm remain active in the woman's reproductive system from 48-72 hours, having intercourse at 36-48 hour intervals around the time of ovulation is usually adequate. In fact, if the man has a low sperm count that replenishes slowly, having sex every day may be counterproductive. Myth: "For some couples, getting pregnant just takes time. Fact: Couples should seek consultation after 12 months of unprotected intercourse if they have not achieved pregnancy. For couples over 35 years of age, it should be after six months. Myth: "Infertility only happens to couples who have never had a child before." Fact: Unfortunately for many couples who have a child and wish to conceive again, a variety of factors can contribute to what is known as "secondary infertility." A number of problems could have occurred since the last conception. Myth: "Maybe this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!" Fact: This is a very painful thing for any infertile couple to hear and can be very discouraging. You need to keep reminding yourself, and others that infertility is a medical condition, not God's will. Myth: "My spouse might leave me if we can't conceive a child" Fact: While infertility can take a toll on any marriage, the majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis with their marriage still intact. Most couples find the process of learning new ways of relating to each other, the experience brings them closer together.

One Tough Week

As you all know Monday morning I woke up with a terrible head cold, little did I know this was just the start to a terrible week... Monday: Woke up with a terrible head cold and migraine. Stayed home from work convincing my self that it was worth all the pain if there was a child developing inside me. Tuesday: I woke up still feeling crummy but thought if I went to work it would take my mind off my cold. It worked! I was feeling better around lunch time. Yahoo!!! Brian and I decided to go out for dinner, while we where at dinner I started having some cramping. I kind of brushed it off thinking/hoping that it had something to do with my cold. We later went home and went on with our nightly routine. We went to bed around 10:00 and about 2:00am I woke up to really bad cramps. I went to the bathroom and there wasn't any blood so I again tried to think nothing of it, but in the back of my mind I started to freak out. Not being able to take anything for the pain I jumped into the bath tub. That helped with the cramping for a bit. I got out of the tub and grabbed the heat pad hoping if I could fall asleep I would wake up and everything would be better. As I was plugging in the heat pad I accidentally unplugged my alarm clock. I had a complete melt down. I was on the floor balling, knowing in the back of my head it was over. Brain did his best to console me but at that point I was to far gone. I was completely freaking out, I couldn't control myself I was not ready for this to be over. Especially since our appointment to find out if we where pregnant was on Friday. I finally fell back asleep around 4:00am. Wednesday: I woke up Wednesday morning angry, sad, confused. I went to the bathroom and my worst fear was staring me in the face. There was blood. I don't really remember getting ready for work that morning. I just remember wanting to get to work so I could call my doctor (they don't open until 8:00) I have no idea why I thought it would be a good idea to go to work but I was there. Brian called me on the way into work and I lost it. It was heart breaking for me to have to tell Brian that I was still cramping and now there was blood. Finally eight o'clock came. I called my doctor and the second I heard my nurses voice I started to cry. I said "LouAnn, bad news, I think I got my period." She asked me lots of questions and told me that 50% of her patients do bleed so that’s ok but it is the cramping that is concerning to her. She told me not to give up yet that she still wanted me to go to the doctor on Friday and take my Beta test. I walked out of the office I was in and tried to control myself long enough to collect my things and get out of the door with out any kids seeing me. I told my co-worker that I had to leave and I would call later. I immediately called Brian and told him what the nurse said. This is the moment that we both started preparing for the worst. I called my mom at work she answered the phone I tried to get the words out so she would know it was me but all that came out was a squeak followed by sobs. She knew immediately what had happened. She tried to convince me that there still was hope. The rest of the day was a blur. Thursday: I really can't tell you what happened on Thursday. All I remember was talking to my nurse every hour and that there wasn't any cramping, still blood but no cramping. I though maybe there was still hope. A little bit of light was still shining for me, not much, but it was there. Friday: I went to the doctor at 7:30am to get my blood taken. We arranged it so the nurse was going to leave a me a message on my voice mail with the results so I could check it when I was ready. I got home from work around 4:00 and Brian and I put the phone on speaker and listened to our message. Both shaking with fear, knowing the answer but still hoping for something else. The nurse confirmed it. I was not pregnant. My Beta level was only a one. Not good. She said that I could go back in on Monday to have them tested again but the likely hood of them rising where very slim. I declined that visit. Brian I and I just held each other for what seemed to be all night.It was hard to compreheand that just like that all of our hard work for the past 2 1/2 years was gone, and we are back to square one. We started calling our parents to let them know that it didn't work. That was tough. We wanted everyone to know but we didn't want them to feel bad for us. It was a rough night. We are going into talk with our doctor to find out what’s next sometime next week. Although our invetro didn't result in a pregnancey we are very greatful that we tried. At this point we are unsure of what we are going to do next, another round of invetro, adoption, waiting? Who knows! Brian and I are both very sad, but we are going to be ok. Everyday is better than the last. We appreciate all the kind words people have said to us. We really want everyone to know that although we are sad and disappointed we are not giving up. We know that we will be parents soon.

Head cold

Ugg, Sunday was a tough night. Over the weekend I developed a head cold, and Sunday night brought a major head ache! I have never had such a head ache in my life, I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital. I was to afraid to take anything even though my doctor said Tylenol and Sudafed would be ok. It was tough being in so much pain and knowing that just a few steps away there would be instant relief. I just kept thinking that the head ache was worth it if there is a child developing inside of me. I know that if I did take medicine and something went wrong and I wasn't pregnant I would directly relate it to taking the medicine. Even though that most likely would not be the reason. I made it though the night! I woke up with a little bit of a head ache, but I was able to sleep it off and it was all gone by lunch time! Hooray! I like to think that I got this head cold because my body is working so hard in other areas that my immune system is not working at its fullest! I am sure that’s not the case but it sure does make me feel better!

I am petrified!

Today, I made my doctors appointment to see if the invertro worked. It was so weird. I called my doctor and she asked how I was doing like always and something took over me, I wanted to say good, as people always respond but instead I said scared! It was crazy! I guess my inner feelings are coming through! Its so weird how something you have wanted forever can all of a sudden scare the crap out of you! She asked what time I wanted to make the appointment for and I couldn't make up my mind! I kept thinking should I find out in the morning or in the afternoon or later that night! She than informed me that it is a blood test and I would be getting a message on my voice mail around 3:00pm. So that took the load off! I could find out when I was ready. I thought that I would be so excited to find out but now it just petrifies me! Not the thought of actually being pregnant but the thought that if it doesn't work I will know. I like the thought that at this very moment I could be pregnant. I want to keep that feeling for as long as I can. Its kind of like Christmas when you where a teenager you couldn't wait to open gifts but you also wanted to wait because you knew that you may not get what you really wanted. It is a very weird feeling, its going to be a long wait!

Transfer Day

I woke up this morning to a phone call from a friend of mine. She said..."remember this day. It is an awesome day that will change you forever. Get ready today is the beginning of a new chapter for you and Brian." Her words stayed with me all day. I kept thinking,'I am going to the doctor to hopefully become pregnant. 'My life is no longer about me, starting today I am not only responsible for myself. I have to be sure to protect this child that they are going to be putting inside of me.' It is a very weird feeling to know the exact moment that your life is going to change for ever. No matter what the out come is, my life will be changed forever... My sister always wonders what is going through the head of a bride the night before her wedding...let me tell you Liz, that was nothing compared to this! Brian and I got to the doctors office this afternoon and they led us back to the room that I have been waiting to go to...the 'Transfer Room.' Walking in I felt proud, proud that we have finally made it to this point. There was another couple in the 'Meeting Room' and I couldn't help but think back to our first meeting at this clinic, how I never thought we would make it across the hall into the 'Transfer Room' I wanted to interrupt their meeting and tell them that one day the too will be walking into this room, feeling as proud as I do. That it is a long journey but a journey worth taking. The Linda form the lab came in and handed us our 'embryo report card' that would tell us if we could indeed go through with the transfer, exactly how many made it though the night and the grade of the embryo. 'A' being the best. She asked that I put my gown on and that she would be back in a few min to go over the results. I held on to our 'report card' for a few seconds scared to look at it. Not quite ready to know our fate. Brian grabbed it out of my hands and opened it up. It said... Number of oocytes retrieved 7, number of oocytes ICSI'd 6, number of oocytes fertilized 1, number of normal embryos 1, embryo grade c, number for cells 4, Number of embryos to transfer 1. When Brian read this to me, my heart sank. Not because we would only be implanting one embryo, but now if we wanted more than one child we will have to go through all of the medication again. There was not any to freeze for further use. Linda came back in with Dr. Corfman and they went over the 'report card' He said that the number of cells was at four and that is wonderful and that just because the grade is C doesn’t mean that there is anything genetically wrong. There are plenty of babies on the board that are lower than a C. (they have a board with baby pictures on it) Dr. Corfman went over how he was going to perform the transfer. He said that he was going to put a catheter up my vagina into my uterus. Than with a needle put the embryo up into the uterus with some liquid. The actual transfer took no longer than 5 min. The only thing that I could feel was a warm sensation when he was actually putting the embryo in. It was amazing! Dr. Corfman said that the embryo would not actually attach to the wall for 2 to 3 days. Than we would have to wait a few weeks and come back in to see what the results where. Its very hard to think that the retrieval took only 7 min and the transfer only took about 5 min but it took us 2 years to finally get to this point! After the doctors left Brian looked at me and asked how I was feeling... I told him that I was sacred. That this is the first time in my life that I have ever been this scared. There is nothing that we can do, it is in someone elses hands now. He looked at me with the most nervous look in his eyes, he didn't have to say anything I knew exactly what he was thinking and feeling. We sat in silentes for the next few min. Letting everything soak in, reminiscing on the past few years. Both Brian and I are thrilled that we have made it this far. We both can finely breath again. We are hoping and praying that everything will be ok, and in 9 months we will have a beautiful child that we too can add to the wall. We know that this is not a guarantee and are extremely scared, but know that if we have made it this far there is nothing that can come in between us and our dream of one day becoming parents! This will go down in our top 5 most memorable days!

Retrieval

Here is a picture of the actual retrevial. The long thing sticking into the Follical is the needle that they used to retreave teh eggs. Click on the picture to enlagre it.

Egg Break Down

Here are some pictures from the lab, A day to day break down on what the eggs will look like. Click on the picture to enlarge it.

Retrieval Day

Today I checked into Dr. Corfman's office at 8:15am for the retrieval of my eggs. I hadn't been nervous for this procedure until I checked in, but the nurses are amazing and put me at ease in no time! They got me all prepped with an IV (it took a few tries to find a vein that wasn't kinked) Sandy (my nurse) walked us through the procedure telling Brian and I exactly what was going to happen. She said that I wouldn't really remember anything since I would be getting medication through an IV, they called it their La La land med! It stood true to its name! :) Around 9:00 I went in to the surgery room. Brian was not able to come in the room with me but was able to watch it on a T.V. in my recovery room. Dr. Corfman came in the room and he had to sign something, he said..."wow, I can sign things and get it on the line better than when I have my glasses on"... I told him that, that was really reassuring! It was a nice ice breaker to the tension! They took an ultrasound probe and inserted it so they could see all the follicles. Then they took a needle and extracted the eggs from the follicles. Brian said that the second that the needle went into the follicle that it would disappear off the screen. The eggs immediately went to the lab where they where washed and examined. It took longer to get me prepped than the actual procedure. Dr. Corfman was able to find and retrieve 7 good eggs. Hooray! This afternoon they will be implanting the sperm into the eggs than watching it over night to see which one's are the strongest. On Friday they will be re implanting two. They call it our transfer day. I will find out on Thursday what time that will be. As we where walking out I said to Brian..."think about, those are our children... I am doing good. I am a little tired from the meds(so if this doesn't make since that's why!) I am extremely sore. It's a good reason to stay in bed all day and watch t.v.! Brian has been great. I wonder how our kids are doing!

When We Will Know?

I know you are all wondering when I will be able to take a pregnancy test. With all the medications that I have had in me for the past month I have to wait a while to take a test other wise it would come up positive, if I am pregnant or not. I am not going to tell the dates of my tests or the results of the tests. I feel that we have shared so much with you already that you know when the baby was conceived, and all the details in between that we would like to keep this a secrete, something that just the two of us know for a while. Yes, Jeni and Liz this also applies to you!! :) Don't worry we will be telling people as soon as we feel comfortable that everything is going to be OK, if we succeed in a pregnancy or if we don't. I would appreciate it if you could respect this decision that we have made. If this does work we will have to prepare our selves since this is what we have been working towards since the beginning of our marriage and I am sure we may go through a weird time of now what! If this doesn't work we need to have the time to prepare are selves and find a way to cope as well and figure out what's the next step that we are going to take before we share with anyone. So keep praying as we move forward with high hopes!

Doctors Orders

I got the call from my doctor today after my appointment he said that everything looks really good. Since my follicles (eggs) are growing faster than they expected, they have moved our retrieval date up to Wednesday May 29th and our re-implantation date will be Friday June 1st! Yahoo! High Five!! With that he gave me strict instructions, here they are... Sunday, May 27th 7:00pm 150 units of Menopour---Hooray my last dose, this was the worst med. The needle is really thick so you really have to jab it to get it though the skin. Monday, May 28th 7:00am 10 units of Lupron 9:30pm HCG shot. It is very important that I take it at 9:30pm no sooner no later. It has to be exactly 36 hours prior to the retrieval. Tuesday, May 29th Continue prenatal vitamins Brian stop Doxycycline Drink 16 oz of water 3 hours prior to retrieval...that's 6:30am Eat 6-8 hours prior to retrieval 7:00am Doxycycline 7:00pm Doxycycline Wednesday, May 30th ---our day! Drink 16oz of a clear decaffeinated beverage 3 hours prior to retrieval...that's 6:30am. Eat 6-8 hours prior to retrieval...that's between 11:30am and 1:30am. Bring someone along, I will not be able to drive. Arrive at the Midwest Center of Reproductive Health at 8:15am (retrieval is at 8:30am) Take 600 millagrams of Advil 1/2 an hour prior to appointment. Take a dose of doxycycline when I get home. Sleep off medication! Take another dose of Doxycycline 12 hours after first dose. Thursday, May31st 7:00am Dose of Doxycycline Check voice mail at 3:00 to find out time of transfer time (re-implantation) 7:00pm Dose of Doxycycline Friday, June 1st....The big day! 7:00am Doxycycline 600 millagrams of Advil 1?2 hour prior to appointment ?:?? Transfer Light to no activity 7:00pm Doxycycline 7:00pm Progesterone Saturday, June 2nd 7:00am doxycycline 7:00am Progesterone 7:00pm Doxycycline 7:00pm Progesterone Light Activity I will have to continue to take the Progersterone two times a day up until the 2nd pregnancy test or through 12 weeks if I get pregnant. This is a little scary. If you are a prayer please send one up for Brian and I.

Three down one to go!!

This morning I had another ovarian ultrasound to see how my follicles (eggs) are growing. Brian came with me this time. Being that it is a Sunday morning they didn't have their full staff so Brian was more than just a supportive husband, he was in charge of writing down all the measurements. (even though he didn't say anything I know that he enjoyed feeling helpful in such a help less situation.) They say that a mature follicle is anything bigger than 15mm. The largest one that I have is 19.5mm. Yahoo! They are ranging anywhere from 19.5 to 10.5. They say I have 16 that are just about to reach maturity. So we are looking good for our retrieval! My Large follicles are starting to cause me some discomfort. It sort of feels like right before you are going to get your period and your ovaries are sore. I can feel them in every step that I take when I bend over, sit, well pretty much all the time. Sometimes when I sneeze it feels like they are going to blow right out of me! Although it is painful it is nothing that I can't handle, its a small price for such a huge pay off!

No More Hanky Panky!! Oh yeah I said it!

I received the call today from my doctor. He told me that starting today I was to start taking my next dose of medication. The Gonal F pen. He said that our estimated retrieval date is going to be either May 31, June 1 or June 2nd! Next week! There is to be no intercourse until after we find out if this resulted in a baby and after we hear the heart beat! This is crazy, I can now count it the days on my fingers! Finally a real date!

Two down two to go!

Today I had another ultrasound and estridle. As I was laying there watching my ovaries on the computer screen repeating in my head...please nothing over 10 mm...please nothing over 10 mm... (remember the last ultrasound they said that if there was anything over 10 mm that we would have to wait until next month) The ultrasound tech starts telling me how big the follicles are... 7.5. , 7.7, 10.5 (oh no) 11.6, (uhhh) 12.9, (Shit, no more please) 10,7... and that's when I 'lost' it... I started saying no, no , no that's not good, and the Ultrasound tech looks at me and smiles and says, "why is that bad?" I told her that last time they said that if they where over 10mm it wouldn't work. She kind of chuckled and said, "well, Jill that was last time. We want them to grow. They usually want them to be about 15-18mm. Uhhhhh let the grow!!! (that's how fast things change with inverto!) It was as if a 100 pound weight was just lifted off my shoulders. I had already with in the 30 seconds that I though it was over, had convinced myself that it would be ok, found a good way to break the news to Brian and tried to figure out what I did wrong!! But luckily we don't have to worry about that!! She said that my follicles where growing at a normal speed and to expect a call from my doctor to get my med dose for the next 5 days! Hooray!!! Hi Five!!!

Blood Wars!!!

We received a call from our doctor today and he said that we are at risk because my blood is a negative Rh factor and Brian is a positive Rh factor. This combination can produce a child who is Rh positive. While the mother's and baby's blood systems are separate there are times when the blood from the baby can enter into the mother's system. This can cause the mother to create antibodies against the Rh factor, thus treating an Rh positive baby like an intruder in her body. If this happens the mother is said to be sensitized. A sensitized mother's body will make antibodies. These antibodies will then attack an Rh positive baby's blood, causing it to breaking down the red blood cells of the baby and anemia will develop. In severe cases this hemolytic disease can cause illness, brain damage and even death. Sensitization can also occur during a blood transfusion, miscarriage, abortion, ectopic pregnancy and even during some procedures, like amniocentesis. Since the antibodies do not disappear and rarely cause a problem in first pregnancies, it is very important to be screened thoroughly and give an accurate medical history to your doctor or midwife. The Good News Hemolytic disease can be prevented for many women, if they are not already sensitized. Rh immunoglobulin (RhIg) is a blood product given via injection to help the Rh negative mother by suppressing her ability to react to the Rh positive red cells. Reactions to the medication are generally minor, including soreness at the injection sight and sometimes a slight fever. Since a small number of unsensitized women may have problems with the end of pregnancy, many practitioners recommend that she be given an injection of RhIg (also known as Rhogam) at 28 weeks gestation, to prevent the few cases of sensitization that occur at the end of pregnancy. Each dose of RhIg lasts about 12 weeks. The mother will also be given RhIg within 72 hours of birth if the child is Rh positive. The baby's blood type can be determined easily after birth by cord blood samples. A little scare but nothing to worry about!

Ovarian Ultrasounds

Today (May 17th) I went to a doctors appointment to get an ultrasound done on my ovaries. They where checking to make sure that there wasn't any follicles larger than 10 millimeters in diameter. If they found any that large we would have to wait until next month to go through with our Invetro session. Luckily they didn't find anything that large!!! It is still a go! We still don't have any idea on the exact date. But that is the one unknowing that we can live with. We know it will be soon! I will have to go in for 3 or 4 more Ovarian ultrasounds to make sure the follicles haven't grown and that everything is still looking good! We can finally see a light!

Talking About It

Some people have known about this since the moment that it begun and some of you may just be finding out about it for the first time. I have been asked by people why they didn't know, why we didn't tell anyone. Its not that we where keeping it a secret by any means because it is nothing that we are ashamed about. Its just not an easy thing to bring up. It doesn't really come up in a conversation, and when it does, most people get really uncomfortable. Up until a few months ago we didn't really have any answers. When people asked us questions, they want to know answers and well, we really didn't have any for them so we just kind of kept it to ourselves and if people found out that was fine. I really enjoy talking about it. For me talking about it is therapeutic. I remember my mom saying how weird it is that she has never met anyone who has gone through with invetro fertilization. I told her that if she really talked to people, she would be amazed on how many people actually have had some sort of infertility issue. It is kind of one of those subjects that nobody really talks about. 1 out of 3 couples have infertility problems. Like I said, I love talking about it. I feel that it is my responsibility to educate people that don't understand and let people know that they are not alone. I wish that there were someone that I could have talked to that knew what I was feeling. I have since talked with 3 people that have contacted me through other friends and co-workers that are just in the first stages of this and just needed to make sure that they weren't going crazy! That has been very rewarding for me. If anyone has any questions please feel free to ask. I will be posting questions and answers on this blog.

Thank yous

Brian and I wanted to thank everyone for being so supportive during our quest. I have a few special thank yous that I wouldn't feel right if they didn't know how truly special they are to us. Mom and Dad- Thank you, thank you, thank you, for being such wonderful parents. You have taught me how to be strong when needed and how to accept the things that I can not control. I don't think that I would have been able to get through this if it weren't for you and the great qualities that you have instilled in me. You are always there to help us out with the tough decisions that we have been faced with. Thank you! We love you. Jeni- You have been an amazing friend. You have been there for me when I needed to cry, vent, laugh and scream. Your medical background has helped me when the doctor lingo has been a bit overwhelming. You always know exactly what to say to help me even if sometimes it is a quiet silence. I love you dearly and can't express how much you mean to me. I don't think I could ever repay you for being the rock and support that I have needed through this process. I hope that someday I will be as wonderful of a mother as you have become! I love you. Dave- Thank you for being there for Brian. I know that he truly looks up to you and is very honored to be your son. You have been a great support for him. Your weekends up at the cabin have been exactly what he has needed. It has been a great escape from our uncertain world. Thank you for being such an understanding father and friend to him. Liz- You are an amazing sister. I am indebted you. You have been a great support for both Brian and I. You have always been there when either one of us has needed you. You will make a great auntie someday! We love you!

Rosie

In late March I over heard a parent talking about a 60 year old woman who is walking around the world to raise money for prostate cancer and Russian Orphans. She started in Whales over 3 years ago, and arrived in the US just in time for those terrible snow storms that we got this year. I was really taken by this woman's dedication. This mother talked about how Rosie was in St. Cloud the day before and heading down HWY 10 towards Big Lake. So I thought I would keep an eye out for her and maybe stop and tell her how amazing I thought she was. Little did I know what an impact she would have on me. Driving home that night I came across her sitting on the side of the road taking a break. I thought this was a good time to say hi and see if there was anything that she needed. I stopped and talked with her for just a few minutes. I left there feeling like I too could concur the world! I thought if she could walk around the world all by herself pulling a cart with all her belongings in it, fight off wild animals, learn things from convicts on the run, survive 30 days without seeing anyone in Siberia, broken ribs AND frost bitten toes, and still continue to be such a happy person with the most trusting and loving heart. Then I could make it through this. Yes it sucks and sometimes you want to give up but your love and faith will see you through. A few days later I again saw Rosie on the side of the road. It was a weird day in March, it was extremely hot! I stopped again and chatted with her, we got to talking and I ended up inviting her over to our place for dinner. (Ironically she was going to Elk River to catch a bus to bring her back to St. Could so she could catch a ride to the Dentist in Park Rapids with another lady that she had met on her journey!) Anyway, she came over to our place for dinner, we chatted with the neighbors and then I drove her up to St. Cloud. She asked if she could leave her cart with all her belongings in our garage. We were more than happy to let her leave it at our home. Rosie has a "pet" name for her cart of belongings, ironically, it is one of the only names Brian and I have agreed on for our children. SIGN #1! A week later she called to see if I could pick her up from St. Cloud so she could continue her journey around the world. She was more then happy to have me pick her up. On our way home we were talking about her life and it turns out that she has 2 adopted children from Russia. Of course I had a lot of questions about that. Rosie was able to give me some contact information from the orphanage that she is actively involved with and we actually called and talked to someone from the orphanage that day! SIGN #2! It was amazing how this woman fell into my life so unexpectedly and disappeared just as mysteriously as she came in. I like to think of her as my angel that was sent to me when I needed some extra reassurance. Thank you Rosie! www.rosiearoundtheworld.co.uk

Medications

Here is a list of all of the medications that I have to take during the month of May. Most of these meds are injections and need to be taken twice a day, 7am and 7pm. Most of the side effects are mood changes, hot flashes, bone aches, and nausea, just to name a few. I keep reminding myself that its good that I feel these side effects that means that the medications are working, and we are one step closer to starting our family! Yasmin Birth Control-- Getting my period on track. Northindrone --Norethindrone is also used as a test to see if the body is producing certain female hormones (natural substances that affect the uterus). Norethindrone is in a class of medications called progesterone's. It works by stopping the lining of the uterus from growing and by causing the uterus to produce certain hormones. Lupron---Leuprolide is in a class of drugs known as gonadotropin-releasing (GnRH or LH-RH) hormone agonists. It decreases the production of testosterone (male hormone) in men and estrogen (female hormone) in women. Gonal-f---The Gonal–f® RFF Pen is indicated (used) for the induction of ovulation and pregnancy in oligo–anovulatory infertile patients for whom the cause of infertility is functional and not due to primary ovarian failure. The Gonal–f® RFF Pen is also indicated for the development of multiple follicles in the ovulatory patient participating in an Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART) program. Menopur---Menopur is a gonadotropin that contains a combination of follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteinizing hormone (LH) that stimulates the ovaries to produce eggs. Ovidrel---Ovidrel® PreFilled Syringe is used in fertility treatment cycles to help follicles mature and to trigger the release of mature eggs from a woman's ovaries following treatment with products containing human follicle stimulating hormone PrimaCare---Prenatal Vitamin Doxycline---Doxycycline is in a class of medications called tetracycline antibiotics. It works by preventing the growth and spread of bacteria. Vaginal Progesterone suppositories---PROGESTERONE treats a corpus luteum (these form in the ovary to secrete hormones) deficiency. Progesterone is a female hormone that is produced naturally in the body. Progesterone is essential to the normal functioning of the womb and reproductive system. Metformin---Control blood sugars

My First Medication Melt Down

I had my prescription transferred over to Target so I could pick it up on Saturday. I told the lady on the phone that if there was ANY TROUBLE getting this transferred or any reason why I wouldn't be able to pick it up on Saturday that she needed to call me ASAP, it was very important. Since all my meds are very time and date specific. Well I went to Target on Saturday to pick up my meds and to my surprise they didn't have them. The pharmacist yelled across the pharmacy that they couldn't get it. I asked her why I wasn't called like I specifically asked. She was being so rude to me and didn't even have the curtasy to come closer to me. She had a major attitude, and said that they tried to contact the doctor but he didn't return their call. I tried to explain to her that, that was the reason why I told them to call me if there was a problem, that I could get through to the doctor faster with a different number. She told me that if I could contact the doctor today they could fill my prescription. Apparently she was a moron and forgot it was Saturday. So I kind of started to cop an attitude and asked her if I could have 2 pills to get me through the weekend. Of course she said no. Even though other places do that. I left in a an angry rage. I was still so angry that I thought it would be a good idea to call them back and really express how I felt about the poor service that I received. (this is never a good idea!) So I called and gave them a piece of my mind. I told them that I have been waiting for 2 1/2 years to finally get to this point and I am paying way to much money and I am not going to let an ignorant person who doesn't know how to take notes or read, screw this up for us. I told her how rude she was (b/c I was being so polite!) and that when someone screws up that they should apologize and try to fix it. Then I went on and on about who knows what. Even though in my head I was telling myself that this wasn't OK to be doing. But I seriously couldn't stop. I got home and ran to my bedroom and cried, cried and cried. I swore off ever going to Target again. Poor Brian! He had no idea what was going on. I ended up having Brian go to Target the next day and pick up the prescription that they were able to find a way to fill and they ended up giving us a gift certificate for our trouble. Don't worry, I have been to Target several times since the 'incident.' Although I avoid the pharmacy like the plague. I am still a little embarrassed! So, If you ever get a job at the Monticello Target you will most likely see or hear me on the training video, on 'how to handle an out of control customer.'

Injection Class

Brian and I went to our injection class, it seems to be very simple. It was actually kind of fun to give myself shots. Think about it...when do you get to have an opportunity to give shots to someone? They went over all the medications that I would be taking and the side effects that they will have on me! Please take this as your warning or my apology if I should do or say anything that may seem out of sorts for me!!! It's funny how many people ask me if they can give my shots to me.

Finally A Plan!

We met with Dr. Corfman and he agreed after looking over our charts that Invitro with ICSI was the best way to go! Dr. Corfman only does Invitro in MN the months of March, May and September. (He has other clinics around the country that he travels to the other months.) After talking with Brian and Dr. Corfman we decided that May would be our month. No particular reason why, our guts just went with May. And as you all should know by now, I trust my gut! He informed us that we would have to take an injection class because there are going to be a lot of medications that I will be taking the month of May and most of them are injections. We went over the costs and different plans that we could do. One plan, the VIP plan, was guaranteed 3 tries or you get 90% of your money back. You have to qualify for that, which Dr. Corfman didn't think that, that was the best route for us. So we went with the regular plan. One shot to get it right! Dr. Corfman warned us that there is an 80% chance that this will be successful and out of the 80% there is a 60% for twins and a 10% chance for triplets. (triplets could only happen if one of the implanted eggs split) We decided that we would harvest the eggs and sperm that we didn't use this round in case we wanted to use them further down the road. In which case we wouldn't have to go through all the medications again. *Invitro with ICSI is when they take Brian's sperm, wash them, and pick out the best ones. Retrieve my egg(s) drill a hole in them, chop the tail off of Brian's sperm, put it into my egg(s) and incubate them for 24 hours then re-implant them in me the next day.

Random Thoughts

Infertility is a very very stressful thing to have to go through. It makes you question so many things. I can't tell you how many times we have sat and thought, "what did we do to deserve this?" "What could we have done differently in our past to make sure this didn't happen" One of the many difficult things is when friends or family are expecting and they feel like they can't tell us. That we will be angry. That has never been the case. A little jealous yes but never angry. We know that we will be parents someday, we just have to figure out the path that will fit us best! I have learned that you should never ask someone when they are planning on having kids, unless you are ready to listen to what they have to say. I was reading through an old diary that I had when I was in middle school that I would like to share with you... its kind of spooky! January 12, 1995 ...I was talking with some friends today about what we wanted to be when we grew up. Jamie said that she wanted to be a teacher, Jeni said that she wanted to be a professional soccer player. I told them that I wanted to be a mother. I just know that is my calling. I can feel it in my soul, that this is what I am supposed to be. I didn't tell my friends that or this but I have a weird feeling that I will adopt children from Russia or somewhere like that. I realize that other children need a loving home and I think that I will be able to provide that for them....

One Step Forward, One Huge Step Back

We have been playing the 3 month game with Dr. Pryor for almost a year. We are starting to get very antsy and at this appointment we are not leaving without some kind of answer, some kind of plan. We called in for our appointment. Much to our surprise Dr. Pryor's nurse said that "Dr. Pryor left the practice, He moved to New Jersey. But he left notes on all of his records." WHAT! He left the practice! After all this work and we where finally making progress he just left! We had to start over with a new doctor! We felt lost, like we just took a giant leap backward! His notes said what we both kind of knew. His count went up a little bit, due to the Clomid but still not enough to conceive on our own. He said that the only way that we will be able to have a child would be to do Invitro with ICSI. He referred us to Dr. Corfman at The Midwest Center for Reproductive Medicine, in Maple Grove.

My Testing

After knowing the status on Brian I was able to fill my doctor in so we could further the testing on me, so in 3 months (although we couldn't get in for 6 months) and when we had an answer we would have all the testing out of the way and it would be smooth sailing from there...or at least hopefully! Test #1 They where trying to see how much of my ovaries had cysts. So what they had to do was, put a probe with a camera up my uterus than blow up a balloon. (Side Note) Prior to this I had asked if it was going to be painful, should someone come with me, and should I take any meds prior to dull the pain. They assured me that it would be painless and I would be able to return to work right after. So I took their word and felt good going in! I have never been in so much pain before. I was crawling off the table in pain. Tears where falling the whole nine yards. Knowing it would be over soon, I could talk my pain down. The doctor's confirmed that my right ovary was worse than my left but upping my Metformin dose would at least help me ovulate and produce good eggs. I did return back to work that day but I was very sore. Test # 2 Making sure that my fallopian tubes are not clogged. They have a live x-ray over my stomach and shoot blue dye into my tubes and the pressure of the dye will either open the tubes or the dye will just flow right through them. Again, I asked the doctors if I should take any meds prior to this and they assured me that this was going to be very painful, someone should come with me and I will not want to go to work that day. So I made arrangements for my friend Jeni to come with since I didn't see any reason for Brian to take a whole day off for this. I took 1500 milligrams of ibuprofen an hour before the procedure and hoped it would dull the pain just a little. I laid on the table my hands where sweating so much when the nurse asked if I wanted to squeeze her hand, I grabbed it and it fell out of my hand. I was so nervous, I kept thinking that if they thought the other procedure wasn't going to be painful and it was. And this was supposed to be the worse of the two, I was in for some major pain! I told Dr. Kroska just to do it not to tell me so than maybe it wouldn't be so bad. A few minutes later he told me to look at the screen and I saw all the fluid flowing through my fallopian tubes. I asked him when he was going to do the painful part. He laughed and said he was all done. He went on saying that everything looked great and I was good to go! I don't know if it was the anticipation or the meds that didn't make me feel a thing. But it was wonderful! I jumped off the table and all the fluid that was in me splashed on the floor hitting the nurses and me! For once a glimmer of hope!

3 More Months

There we were 3 months later, sitting in the same spot we were 3 months ago. Neither Brian or I said a word as we waited for Dr. Pryor. I remember my stomach just hurting and getting that felling in my gut that something was wrong. Dr. Pryor came in after what felt like an eternity. That's when we got the news... Brain's count was actually going down...I remember my heart falling into my stomach and doing everything I could to fight back the tears. I didn't want to cry in front of Brian in the doctor's office. I knew how bad I was hurting and I couldn't fathom what he was feeling at this time. Dr. Pryor said that it would be in our best interest to freeze the sample that he gave that morning and have it for a reserve just in case his count continues to go down. Dr. Pryor prescribed Brain 1/4 tablet of Clomid and I am sure you guessed it. He told us to call back in 3 months for an appointment. Everything from now on could be taken care of via phone. Still no answers, nothing. Dr. Pryor's nurse came in and talked to us about the results. She said that she has PCOS and her husband had the exact thing that Brian had. They ended up doing invitro with their first two and their third child was conceived naturally. It was their miracle baby! This was uplifting for us, but at that point, when you have just got the news that we got and still no answers you can't help but be a little bitter.

The Day I Finally Broke Down

Three long months later, still no baby and getting very, very anxious for just an answer. There we where sitting in Dr. Pryor's office waiting for him to tell us our fate. He told us that his semen analysis came back a little better but to tell if the surgery was successful it can take up to 6 months to produce new fresh sperm. So sure enough he told us to come back in 3 months. This was the day that I finally cried about this. I cried all the way home. The uncertainty of not knowing was unbearable. We just wanted an answer, so we could come to terms with it what ever it was, and move on. I remember thinking, we may never be able to have a child together. I remember it felt like everyone that I saw was pregnant. Imagine, the only thing you have ever wanted in the whole world for as long as you can remember and you can't have it. Everyone around you has it with out any problems and you can't even get a stinking answer out of a doctor!

Surgery

Brian and I decided that he would go through with the surgery. If we thought just getting a 15 minute appointment with Dr. Pryor was difficult imagine what it was like trying to get him for a half day to perform the surgery! Day of the appointment everything went great. Dr. Pryor said that it was very successful. And of course to come back in 3 months for a follow up appointment. We left that appointment with high hopes that by December we could tell everyone that we where expecting. What a great Christmas gift that would be!

Second Opinion

Finally after a three months with out a period (if I wasn't trying to get pregnant I would look at this as a blessing!) I decided to talk to my Doctor. I had only been going to this doctor for about six months. I told her my symptoms and my worries about trying to get pregnant she immediately told me to start exercising and call her when I got my next period and Brian and I would come in to her clinic two weeks later and she would inseminate us. (The not so technical description is when they take sperm and take a baster and shoot it up me so that the sperm don't have as far to swim) I went home and talked to Brian about this and we where both a little hesitant since she didn't do any tests or anything. We felt it was a ploy for her clinic to make some fast cash since infertility treatment is NOT cheap! We decided to go with our gut (which I finally have deicded that my gut is never wrong) told my doctor that we where going to get another opinion. I had done tons of research on infertility doctors in the area and decide to go to one in St. Cloud. Dr. Kroska. (Just a quick funny story about him...) I was laying on the bed with my feet up in the stirrups. As you all know the doctors try to make small talk with you, like its not already weird enough. He starts asking me where I work and so I tell him. STRIDE Academy, sure enough he says, "oh I have 3 children that go to school there!" Luckily he couldn't see my face because I know that I turned 10 different shades of red. Well needless to say the next time he came to the school to pick up his children it was a bit awkward! Maybe I should have picked the doctor in Big Lake! :) Back to the story! I met with their nurse and she ran some blood work, asked great questions, gave us a doctors name down at the University of MN to get Brian checked out while we where waiting on my results. Since there is only a few things that could be wrong with the woman and many of things that could be wrong with a man. In the mean time my blood work and test results came back and I was officially diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome,(PCOS) in layman's terms I have cysts on my ovaries that make it almost impossible to ovulate. You usually find this out when you get off of birth control since that is one of the things that they use to keep it under control. Knowing that I was trying to get pregnant the prescribed me a medication called Metforman. I like to think of this as the magic drug... one of the side effects is weight loss, what a terrible side effect! This was seeming to work wonderfully so the nurse told us to start trying again and come back in 3 months, which we will find out later that in the medical world or at least the reproductive world 3 months is the magic number. Doctor Kroska called and said that she would like to have Brian's sperm counted so we could rule that out. We where off to the Urologist down at the U to see Dr. Pryor and let me tell you trying to get in with one of the top Urologists in MN is a long wait. Luckily for us it was only a two month wait. (again, once you have your mind set on getting pregnant 2 months seem like an eternity!) After our first of many visits with Dr. Pryor he said that Brian had a vericose vein in his left testicle that was heating up his sperm and killing it off. (Technically called a Vericosele) But with a very simple surgery it can be fixed and we should be back on the baby making road!

Was It Really That Easy?

A month after we get married was the first month that we realized that something may be wrong... Getting off my birth control pills in early December when I didn't receive my period in February we though "wow, that was easy!" After waiting a few days to take a test, knowing in my gut that something was wrong but hoping for the best. It came back negative. We thought "well, its most likely because my body is adjusting to not having any birth control in it, we will give it a few months before we start to worry.

Starting at the begining

We would like to share our story with you, not to make people feel sorry for us because we actually feel blessed for what we have gone through and realize how precious things really are. We would like people to understand and others to know that they are not alone.

As many of you know when you are ready to start your family your ready, there is nothing that can hold you back. You become obsessed with charting your body temperature, calculating when your most likely to become pregnant. Every time you get your period your heart sinks into your stomach and you think "Well next month is going to be our month!"

From the second Brian and I got engaged it was common knowledge that the moment we got married we where going to start trying to have kids. So January 15,2005 our journey began. Little did we know what a long stressful time it would be.