It's about time!

After a lots of days and nights in the hot garage getting ready for our garage sale. Its finally time to open the doors and start the sale! I am super pumped, I am not sure if I am more excited for the extra cash for all our expenses or if I am more excited to get my garage back in order! As of today, may whole garage is full of stuff, my neighbour across the street's garage is full and their neighbour's house as well. We decided that we would have all the clothes,shoes and purses across the street and everything else at our place. With big signs that say MORE -> There was just to much stuff for one garage, it was way to overwhelming not to mention you couldn't walk in there! I do have a fear that no one will show up...same fear I have when I throw parties, I have no idea why I have this fear, but it always ends up being a success! I am worried about the traffic. We live in a neighbourhood so hopefully with all my bright signs, people will be mesmerized and follow them! A special thanks to all my friends and sister who has spent endless hours in my garage sweating their booties off to make this happen. One special thanks to my neighbour Taylor who would have much rather been hanging out with her friends all summer being that she is going into 9th grade. But she has been a solid consistent in the garage sale extravaganza! Thanks all!

My friends are rock stars!

First of all I would like to tell you all what wonderful my friends are! They are amazing! I sent out a email to all my gals the other day, asking if anyone would like to come over and help make aprons. Thinking one or two people would come over for a few hours but to my surprise I had 9 people show up. Some of them staying for 10 hours just trucking away at aprons! Although in the middle of the day we where interrupted by a tornado that took out the power for an hour. So we thought that would be a great time to break out the wine and martini's! We where able to whip out about 120! I am pumped! I was hoping to have at least 500 to bring to the craft fair, I was feeling that, that was a out of reach goal but after today, I don't think that is to much to do. Thank you, Liz, Jamie, Shelby, Darla, Angie, Christy, Stacy, Kelly, and Callie, you all are rock stars!

A week off

Last week I took a girls week. My sister, mom and I went out to CA to visit my grandparents. We droe out to Lake Tahoe to check out where my sister is getting married. It was amazing, words and pictures do not do justice to Lake Tahoe. Although our trip was not totally relaxing it still was nice to get away and lay at the beach/pool, and not feel like I should be doing other stuff. Although I was relaxing at the pool, my wonderful husband was busy doing all the things I would have been doing...faxing papers, filling out papers, finding tables to use for the garage sale, picking up items for the sale, setting up another bank account just for the adoption....and as you know the list goes on! Here are some picts of the beutiful Lake Tahoe...

What a week!

What a week! My mom who lives in D.C. has been visiting for about a week now and what a whirl wind its been! We have been getting ready for the Little Falls Craft Fair for our hopefully biggest and most profitable fundraiser. For those of you whom don't know, the Little Falls Craft Fair is the biggest craft Fair in MN. Around 30,000 people attend it every year. They pretty much close down the city of Little Falls and it turns into one giant Craft Fair. We are making Purses, Child and adult aprons, children's hats and burp cloths. So needless to say we are sewing our little fingers off! Here are some pictures of just a few of the thousands of aprons what we are making if anyone is interested in buying anything let me know! We can personalize everything. Brian my wonderful husband was busy all weekend picking up donations for out enormous garage sale that we are having at the end of Aug. I have had so many people donate to our garage sale that it is taking over 1/2 our basement and our third garage stall! We are thinking about pushing the sale up to the middle of July because we are running out of space to store it all! What a terrible problem to have, right! In between driving all around MN he ran and finished his first 5K run! I am so proud of him he ran it in just over 20 min, that's almost a 5 1/2 min mile. Yahoo My sister is getting married in the fall in Lake Tahoe, so we are taking a girls week and heading to San Fransisco and then driving to Lake Tahoe for a few days. We leave Thursday. What a whirl wind this week has been! On the adoption front, we are filling out the paper work for LMI and hopefully Brian will be sending it in while I am in CA. We have chosen Summit to do our home study so we have been tring to get everything in order for that. I hope you all have a wonderful and safe 4th of July!

Books

Brian and I went to the book store the other day and searched through the TINY adoption section. We purchased 'The complete book of international adoption' and 'Twenty things adopted children with their adoptive parents knew'. When we got home we searched the web for more and of course we found hundreds. Please let me know what books you have read that you thought where interesting. We are ready to start hitting the books!

O.K. now its offical!

Today, to much of our suprise(we wern't expecting it so soon) Brian and I got a letter in the mail saying that our application for the Kaz program was accepted! Horray! So here starts our adoption process...

Bloogers Unite!

I have been just blown away with how many wonderful supportive people there are out there! Thanks to Christy I have been befriended by so many other bloggers, its amazing. I enjoy reading all of your blogs, yes I am an official blog junkie, thanks Christy, but it is totally worth it! I have even been contacted by a few of you that don't have any connection to what I call the 'Christy Clan!' Its just wonderful. I am taking lots of notes from your blogs, great information for beginners like us we appreciate it. Brian knows my new nightly routine; quick run after work, dinner, wine, couch, check all 11 blogs that I am addicted to, fill Brian in on everything, than bed! How great, thank you all for the supprotive and insprational stories, I look forward to tuning in nightly!

Fundraising

Now that Brian and I have started this amazing adventure we have been brainstorming some fundraising ideas. We have gotten lost of great ideas from you all and the tallies in! July: Book sale! We are going to have a big book sale, what doesn't sell we are going to sell them online, who doesn't love cheep books, I am a sucker for them! So what we are asking for is if any of you want get those old dust collectors off the shelf and make room for something else we would love to take them off your hands! August:Garage Sale! So if anyone has anything that they would like to donate to our sale please let me know! Thanks Aimee for all your left over garage sale items, great start!!! We don't want to make anyone fell like they have to contribute to our fundraising efforts but I though I would let you all know what we have decided to do in case you want to contribute something. Thanks to all for your support!

Well its offical...well kind of!

Brian and I both where feeling a little overwhelmed with everything, having to find an agency shuffling through 20 different packets from different agencies, doing research trying to decide what country was best for Brian and I. So Friday night Brian and I went to our friend Christy's (who also happens to be my employer) to talk adoption. Christy was able to answer a lot of questions that we had. Still feeling overwhelmed but than all of a sudden I looked around and saw her daughter playing an the floor coming over to Brian and I for random hugs and bounces it was wonderful. Werid to think we may be doing that with our child this time next year! So, today Brian and I have officially mailed out our adoption application! Hooray after a long night of filling out the application and answering some tough questions we finally brought it to the mail box at 10:00pm! We decided to go with Little Miracles Adoption Agency. It seems very surreal at this moment. We have been through so much just to get to this point and now we are here...so here we go!

So little yet so big!

Isn't it weird how god works in mysterious ways??? As you all know six years ago we bought our first house, your probably all wondering why the hell I am talking about that...well, isn't it weird how god works in mysterious ways... this is where it all began... 2003 Brian flipping through a house magazine one night he decides to make a few calls to mortgage companies to just see what we could get approved for, he comes across a few different companies and puts the calls in, only one person called us back, Glen (Brian was pretty excited and mentioned that there was a pulse, the realtor that was associated with this company was pretty hot! Well little did we know that the hot realtor was going to play a major role in our life years later!!! Jumping ahead 5 years... Our "hot realtor" (Chirsty Simon) ended up moving just down the road from Brian and I. We got back in contact and she and I started to play on a volleyball team together. During one of our team get togethers she mentioned that she had started adopting a little girl from Kaz. Side note As you all know Brian and I have been going through some major infertility issues, during this time we have always had the thought of adopting in the back of our heads. Although we never thought that it was going to get to that part, we thought we'd do invetro and it would work and poof, everything would be perfect and we begin our family and our lives would be perfect! Well...we all know that didn't happen! After we found out that the invetro didn't work everyone was coming to us suggesting adoption...like we didn't ever think of it! Like I said Brian and I have always thought about it but never really talked about in detail because like I said we didn't think that it would get to that. It was so hard to talk about because it was almost like an ending to the dream of having a biological child of your own. So we avoided the topic at all cost with one another. When people would ask we would people would ask us individual,y we would act like we where totally OK with it and it would seem to them like we had our stuff together although we where so far from that. We finally stared talking about with one an other and came to find out that we both where on the same page for once...we both had major hesitations with adoption, what if we couldn't bond with this child, what if later in life the resented us for it, how would we handle it when they said they hated us and wished we weren't there parents, trivial things yes, but defiantly things you think about. People who are not in our situation makes it seem so easy, that adopting in so simple and they don't think of the emotion that goes into it. Our friend Chirsty (the hot realtor) was now over seas getting to meet her child for the first time. She did an amazing job blogging her every move, and emotion be it happy or disappointed, Brain and I followed her bolg religiously. 2 months later Christy called Liz and I to see if we wanted to come over and meet her daughter Zahria, of course we where very excited to meet her, we went to her house one afternoon and she was amazing, beautiful, healthy but most of all happy. Christy and I got to talking and she mentioned that she was looking for a daycare but having a really hard time finding someone who she could trust with the most precious thing she had ever had. I had mention that I was looking in to quiting my job and staying home. We vagley talked about how great it would be if I was Z's nanny we both kind of thought the other one was joking, little did we know that this conversation would change Brian and my life forever... A few weeks later I quit my job, and I started to nanning for Zahria. The first day that I was there I was hooked...all I could think about was how silly I had been thinking that I was not going to be able to accept a child that wasn't biologically mine. I had only been with this child for a few hours and was ready to give my life for her, I was floored with amazement on how this child in just a few hours could steal my heart and make me 110% ready to adopt. It was amazing. I went home that first day and was talking up a storm about how resilient she was and how wonderful she is adapting to her new life, how Christy seems so fulfilled with life. It was so amazing how this little girl filled Christy's life with so much joy in such a short period of time, it was like they where meant for each other. You always hear how you just know when you are adopting that when you meet your child you just know she's was meant for you. I never really understood that and I don't think that until I am in that situation I will fully understand, but I seeing Christy and Z together I just know that, that statement is true. One day Brian came over after work to meet Z and she was so taken with him, she would let him hold her, she would smile and laugh at him. It was so funny. Brian came over a few times after that and the two just where smitten with easchother! (I think she has her first crush!!) A few nights later Brian and I were on our way to dinner and out of the blue he looks at me and says...I think I would be ok with adopting, Zahria is really amazing, I know that the child that we adopt (if it comes to that) would be different in so many ways but she really has opened my eyes and I really think that I would be ok now. The biggest smile emerged from his face and I couldn't help but hug and kiss the crap out of him. We have both finally gotten to that place where if indeed adoption is our way that that we would be absolutely ok with it. We have finally reached that point and we owe it all to a little angel named Zahria Alia Simon. I can't help but think where we would be if Brian didn't find that "hot" realtor! LoL Isn't it weird how god works in mysterious ways?

Life Change's

I was reading a friends blog today and stopped and thought about mine. I was thinking that I don't have much to say these days. But than it dawned on me...Brian and I have had a major 'life change' and there is so much to talk about. So here we go! This summer I started feeling that I need a different way to let out all of my stress and so I started walking which turned into jogging which is gradually turning into running. I have set a goal that this summer I will run at least 2 marathons. In all of this running I have lost just about 40lbs. I have found that this is a major stress reliever for me and I get to do what I love best SHOP more!!! Recently, Brian has joined the gym with me, and he is looking mighty svelte. But even better Brian has begun acupuncture treatments. He goes to a little Chinese lady's house every Saturday morning and gets his treatments. He laughs because she doesn’t speak very good English if any, so he is not quite sure if she is actually treating him for infertility or something completely different. I personally think she is putting the needles in the wrong place because he's sexual drive has shot up 400%. I am not sure how I feel about this!! LoL :) She actually specializes in infertility so we know that he is getting the correct treatment! He also is taking herbal supplements given to him from the Doctor. So twice a day he mixes up his 'potion' it looks very similar to seaweed and dirt! Brian says that seaweed and dirt would probley taste better. But like a champ he chokes it down every time! Another wonderful life change that Brian has made is he has stopped drinking. He has not had an alcoholic drink since the beginning on the year. I am so proud of him. The doctors say that alcohol plays a huge factor in infertility. We have been doing so much research on what else we can do to help his sperm count, we found out that Yoga is extremely good for infertility, because yoga massages your organs. So yes, Brian and I have purchased our yoga mats and ready for class to begin. We are looking into one more possible treatment that we may do. But I am not going to talk about it yet because we are still gathering information and searching for the perfect doctor. But I will let you all know more about it later. Hopefully with our new life style we will have some positive results. If it doesn’t improve anything fertility wise at least Brain and I will be in good shape and know that we have done everything to get our bodies in the best shape they can be in

Christmas Time

Christmas time is a tough time for us. When we think of Christmas we think of children running around all excited to open their gifts wondering what Santa is going to leave for them. This is just a huge reminder that we are once again with out chirldren of our own. I think that this Christmas is a little but more diffacult, if the Invtro worked we would of been expecting a child next month. I can't help but think that this Chiristmas would be filled with baby gifts for Brian and I. Hopefully 2008 will be our year!

Bitter Sweet?

I know it has been such a long time since I have blogged, I have got to get back into the swing of it! I am not even sure if anyone still checks out my blog, but even if no one does it is still therapeutic for me. October/November....what a month! I went down to Georgia for an friend from high schools wedding. The first time back since I moved away! It was wonderful. I was lucky enough to have my best friend come with me to be my "wing man" in case it was weird with my old high school friends! Luckily it wasn't weird at all, it was perfect. Jeni stole the show and all my friends fell in love with her. While we where down there I was always hot, not just hot but sweating, when everyone else was cold I was burning up! I didn't have much of an appetite. Just kind of blah! But I was thinking it was because I was in GA, it was still considered summer time there (75-85 degrees) I didn't exactly bring the right attire for that weather sinceback home in MN it was far from shorts and tee's! So we didn't think to much about it! Jeni and I got home a week later and I was talking to her about how I was still feeling weird, extremely hot, still didn't have an appetite. Jeni had said to me..."Jill I should have been a better friend and told you that you where pregnant earlier!" Immediately my response was, no, no, no there is no way that I could be pregnantI am on birth control (I was on birth control because after being on the pill you have 3 months of good eggs, we where toying with the idea of Invetro again)!! So I took a test and sure enough for the first time in my life there was two lines! WHAT!!! I was on the phone with Jeni after all I was really only taking the test for her. I never thought, in a million years that she was right. I was paceing around the house waiting for Brian to get home, but at the same time I was hesitant to tell him. I didn't want him to get his hopes up if for some reason it wasn't true! So I decided to wait until I went to the doctor to be 100% sure that I was truly pregnant. I went into a Planned Pregnant Hood immediately the next moring, I needed to know! Sure enough the nurse handed me a slip that said I was pregnant! Now that's 2 positive tests! Yahoo that's two!! I had an appointment with my specialist later that day to get blood work done. 1:00 couldn't come fast enough. Finally after what seemed to be weeks one o'clock rolled around. I gave blood and my nurse told me that she would give me a call with the HCG levels. Again the waiting game began... The nurse called me around 4:00 and said that I was indeed pregnant, but...the dreaded but, here it comes... my HCG levels where not very high. So she was unsure if it was just so early in my pregnancy and my levels would raise over night, or if was what they call a chemical pregnancy. So I was to come back in the following day to get my levels checked again. Again I wait. I decided to tell Brian that night. We both where trying to stay optimistic, after all this was our first positive test. I went back in and gave blood, waited for the nurse to call me back, and sure enough, my levels had dropped. I was no longer pregnant. They said it most likely was what they call a Chemical Pregnancy.(see below for decription) Ugg so here we go again. I was so angry and upset. I just kept thinking why, why, that was just a really mean trick! After all that we have been through why!!! After all the anger and sadness and we where able to think straight, we decide that this was bitter sweet. After all the doctors, shots, meds, emotional roller coasters we have been on. My husband actually got me pregnant! Was this a sign??? We decided that we would make another a new concrete plan...we where going to try to 'forget'(as difficult as that was going to be) about everything and start living our life's like we did before we knew about all of our infertility issues, until June first. If nothing happens naturally we are going to start our own adoption journey. We are both looking forward to the next 8 months...who knows what could happen! I promise I will start blogging again and keeping you all posted with everything! Chemical pregnancy… What is it? It is a term used for an early miscarriage. It is a pregnancy that has miscarried prior to the gestational sac becoming visible on an ultra sound. Pregnancies don’t show on an ultra sound until 5 or 6 weeks. At this point it is considered a “Clinical Pregnancy”. The names only refer to if they can or cannot see the sac with an ultra sound. Many doctors out there will tell you that it was’t real and it’s nothing to cry or grieve over. This is not true. A chemical pregnancy is a real pregnancy that was detected only by chemicals, not an ultrasound. It’s like that saying, “Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there”. So you got a positive pregnancy test… This means you did conceive! Pregnancy hormones just DON’T float around in your body and then “poof” they are gone. Pregnancy tests today are much more sensitive to the HCG hormone and can detect these early loses. Chemical pregnancies are unfortunately very common among woman. Around 50 to 60 percent of first pregnancies end in miscarriage, even without the woman knowing it. You are not alone! Many women go through these ordeals. Take the time you need to grieve for your loss and look forward to the positive side. Even awful tragedies can bring positive outcomes. Here are a few good points about having a chemical pregnancy: 1. You know you are able to conceive. This means you are fertile. 2. You did nothing wrong… These are usually the cause of chromosomal abnormalities, immune issues, luteal phase defect, low hormone levels, inadequate uterine lining or obstructions in the uterus such as fibroid tumors. They are not due to your excessive jogging the day before or that volleyball that hit you in the side. 3. Most women who miscarry go on to delivering healthy babies.

Long time!

Wow I can't believe that on Friday the 13th it was exactley a month since my horrific night. I will admit that it took a long time for me to start the healing process. Although I am not 100% ok I am doing much better. I went from not wanting to talk to anyone (sending everything though text), to extramley sad to very angery. I have found that my friend was right when she said that this would change me in one way or another. As of right now Brian and I have not yet made anymore discussions on what we are going to be doing next. The one thing that we know for sure is that we have not given up on our true dream of being parents. I will keep you all posted!

Just what we needed

Brian and I decided that this weekend we where going to put life aside and do something fun with each other. So we packed up the dogs and headed up north the to cabin. It was so relaxing just what we needed. I was able to do some reading, relaxing, get a little sun and take some great pictures of the wild life and scenery. Brian built some steps for the new trailer that we just put on the land, and put in a large window in the living room. He always amazes me how he can do anything. At night we hung out around the campfire, chatted and laughed a lot! We had such a great time with each other. This was something that we both needed, a long over due weekend away.

Infertility Myths & Facts

Myth: "Infertility is a woman's problem " Fact: Not true. In fact, infertility is just as likely to be caused by a male factor as a female factor. Male factor accounts for 40% of infertility, female factor accounts for 40%, combined female and male problems account for 10% and the remaining 10% are of unexplained causes. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up. Myth: "Everyone else seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat!" Fact: It is estimated that 1 in 6 people experience infertility at some point in their lives. According to the National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS) approximately 4.5 million couples experience infertility each year. Less than 2 million of the infertile couples actually seek help from the medical community. Infertility is a common health problem in men and women. Fortunately, 90% of all cases have a specific cause for the infertility that can be uncovered with proper diagnosis by physicians who specialize in reproductive medicine. Myth: "It's all in your head - if you relax and stop thinking about it you will get pregnant!" Fact: Infertility causes stress - stress doesn't cause infertility. Infertility is a medical condition; a disorder to the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you cope and with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Myth: "If you adopt a baby you will get pregnant!" Fact: Almost every infertile couple has probably heard the story from a relative or friend about someone who became pregnant right after they adopted. However, studies prove that the pregnancy rate after adopting is the same for those who do not adopt (5% each) - it's just the ones who adopt and then achieve pregnancy are the ones you hear about more often. Myth: "Maybe you two are doing something wrong!" Fact: Infertility is not a sexual disorder, it's a medical condition. Myth: "If you have sex every day it will increase your chances of getting pregnant" Fact: Because normal, healthy sperm remain active in the woman's reproductive system from 48-72 hours, having intercourse at 36-48 hour intervals around the time of ovulation is usually adequate. In fact, if the man has a low sperm count that replenishes slowly, having sex every day may be counterproductive. Myth: "For some couples, getting pregnant just takes time. Fact: Couples should seek consultation after 12 months of unprotected intercourse if they have not achieved pregnancy. For couples over 35 years of age, it should be after six months. Myth: "Infertility only happens to couples who have never had a child before." Fact: Unfortunately for many couples who have a child and wish to conceive again, a variety of factors can contribute to what is known as "secondary infertility." A number of problems could have occurred since the last conception. Myth: "Maybe this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!" Fact: This is a very painful thing for any infertile couple to hear and can be very discouraging. You need to keep reminding yourself, and others that infertility is a medical condition, not God's will. Myth: "My spouse might leave me if we can't conceive a child" Fact: While infertility can take a toll on any marriage, the majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis with their marriage still intact. Most couples find the process of learning new ways of relating to each other, the experience brings them closer together.

One Tough Week

As you all know Monday morning I woke up with a terrible head cold, little did I know this was just the start to a terrible week... Monday: Woke up with a terrible head cold and migraine. Stayed home from work convincing my self that it was worth all the pain if there was a child developing inside me. Tuesday: I woke up still feeling crummy but thought if I went to work it would take my mind off my cold. It worked! I was feeling better around lunch time. Yahoo!!! Brian and I decided to go out for dinner, while we where at dinner I started having some cramping. I kind of brushed it off thinking/hoping that it had something to do with my cold. We later went home and went on with our nightly routine. We went to bed around 10:00 and about 2:00am I woke up to really bad cramps. I went to the bathroom and there wasn't any blood so I again tried to think nothing of it, but in the back of my mind I started to freak out. Not being able to take anything for the pain I jumped into the bath tub. That helped with the cramping for a bit. I got out of the tub and grabbed the heat pad hoping if I could fall asleep I would wake up and everything would be better. As I was plugging in the heat pad I accidentally unplugged my alarm clock. I had a complete melt down. I was on the floor balling, knowing in the back of my head it was over. Brain did his best to console me but at that point I was to far gone. I was completely freaking out, I couldn't control myself I was not ready for this to be over. Especially since our appointment to find out if we where pregnant was on Friday. I finally fell back asleep around 4:00am. Wednesday: I woke up Wednesday morning angry, sad, confused. I went to the bathroom and my worst fear was staring me in the face. There was blood. I don't really remember getting ready for work that morning. I just remember wanting to get to work so I could call my doctor (they don't open until 8:00) I have no idea why I thought it would be a good idea to go to work but I was there. Brian called me on the way into work and I lost it. It was heart breaking for me to have to tell Brian that I was still cramping and now there was blood. Finally eight o'clock came. I called my doctor and the second I heard my nurses voice I started to cry. I said "LouAnn, bad news, I think I got my period." She asked me lots of questions and told me that 50% of her patients do bleed so that’s ok but it is the cramping that is concerning to her. She told me not to give up yet that she still wanted me to go to the doctor on Friday and take my Beta test. I walked out of the office I was in and tried to control myself long enough to collect my things and get out of the door with out any kids seeing me. I told my co-worker that I had to leave and I would call later. I immediately called Brian and told him what the nurse said. This is the moment that we both started preparing for the worst. I called my mom at work she answered the phone I tried to get the words out so she would know it was me but all that came out was a squeak followed by sobs. She knew immediately what had happened. She tried to convince me that there still was hope. The rest of the day was a blur. Thursday: I really can't tell you what happened on Thursday. All I remember was talking to my nurse every hour and that there wasn't any cramping, still blood but no cramping. I though maybe there was still hope. A little bit of light was still shining for me, not much, but it was there. Friday: I went to the doctor at 7:30am to get my blood taken. We arranged it so the nurse was going to leave a me a message on my voice mail with the results so I could check it when I was ready. I got home from work around 4:00 and Brian and I put the phone on speaker and listened to our message. Both shaking with fear, knowing the answer but still hoping for something else. The nurse confirmed it. I was not pregnant. My Beta level was only a one. Not good. She said that I could go back in on Monday to have them tested again but the likely hood of them rising where very slim. I declined that visit. Brian I and I just held each other for what seemed to be all night.It was hard to compreheand that just like that all of our hard work for the past 2 1/2 years was gone, and we are back to square one. We started calling our parents to let them know that it didn't work. That was tough. We wanted everyone to know but we didn't want them to feel bad for us. It was a rough night. We are going into talk with our doctor to find out what’s next sometime next week. Although our invetro didn't result in a pregnancey we are very greatful that we tried. At this point we are unsure of what we are going to do next, another round of invetro, adoption, waiting? Who knows! Brian and I are both very sad, but we are going to be ok. Everyday is better than the last. We appreciate all the kind words people have said to us. We really want everyone to know that although we are sad and disappointed we are not giving up. We know that we will be parents soon.

Head cold

Ugg, Sunday was a tough night. Over the weekend I developed a head cold, and Sunday night brought a major head ache! I have never had such a head ache in my life, I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital. I was to afraid to take anything even though my doctor said Tylenol and Sudafed would be ok. It was tough being in so much pain and knowing that just a few steps away there would be instant relief. I just kept thinking that the head ache was worth it if there is a child developing inside of me. I know that if I did take medicine and something went wrong and I wasn't pregnant I would directly relate it to taking the medicine. Even though that most likely would not be the reason. I made it though the night! I woke up with a little bit of a head ache, but I was able to sleep it off and it was all gone by lunch time! Hooray! I like to think that I got this head cold because my body is working so hard in other areas that my immune system is not working at its fullest! I am sure that’s not the case but it sure does make me feel better!

I am petrified!

Today, I made my doctors appointment to see if the invertro worked. It was so weird. I called my doctor and she asked how I was doing like always and something took over me, I wanted to say good, as people always respond but instead I said scared! It was crazy! I guess my inner feelings are coming through! Its so weird how something you have wanted forever can all of a sudden scare the crap out of you! She asked what time I wanted to make the appointment for and I couldn't make up my mind! I kept thinking should I find out in the morning or in the afternoon or later that night! She than informed me that it is a blood test and I would be getting a message on my voice mail around 3:00pm. So that took the load off! I could find out when I was ready. I thought that I would be so excited to find out but now it just petrifies me! Not the thought of actually being pregnant but the thought that if it doesn't work I will know. I like the thought that at this very moment I could be pregnant. I want to keep that feeling for as long as I can. Its kind of like Christmas when you where a teenager you couldn't wait to open gifts but you also wanted to wait because you knew that you may not get what you really wanted. It is a very weird feeling, its going to be a long wait!

Transfer Day

I woke up this morning to a phone call from a friend of mine. She said..."remember this day. It is an awesome day that will change you forever. Get ready today is the beginning of a new chapter for you and Brian." Her words stayed with me all day. I kept thinking,'I am going to the doctor to hopefully become pregnant. 'My life is no longer about me, starting today I am not only responsible for myself. I have to be sure to protect this child that they are going to be putting inside of me.' It is a very weird feeling to know the exact moment that your life is going to change for ever. No matter what the out come is, my life will be changed forever... My sister always wonders what is going through the head of a bride the night before her wedding...let me tell you Liz, that was nothing compared to this! Brian and I got to the doctors office this afternoon and they led us back to the room that I have been waiting to go to...the 'Transfer Room.' Walking in I felt proud, proud that we have finally made it to this point. There was another couple in the 'Meeting Room' and I couldn't help but think back to our first meeting at this clinic, how I never thought we would make it across the hall into the 'Transfer Room' I wanted to interrupt their meeting and tell them that one day the too will be walking into this room, feeling as proud as I do. That it is a long journey but a journey worth taking. The Linda form the lab came in and handed us our 'embryo report card' that would tell us if we could indeed go through with the transfer, exactly how many made it though the night and the grade of the embryo. 'A' being the best. She asked that I put my gown on and that she would be back in a few min to go over the results. I held on to our 'report card' for a few seconds scared to look at it. Not quite ready to know our fate. Brian grabbed it out of my hands and opened it up. It said... Number of oocytes retrieved 7, number of oocytes ICSI'd 6, number of oocytes fertilized 1, number of normal embryos 1, embryo grade c, number for cells 4, Number of embryos to transfer 1. When Brian read this to me, my heart sank. Not because we would only be implanting one embryo, but now if we wanted more than one child we will have to go through all of the medication again. There was not any to freeze for further use. Linda came back in with Dr. Corfman and they went over the 'report card' He said that the number of cells was at four and that is wonderful and that just because the grade is C doesn’t mean that there is anything genetically wrong. There are plenty of babies on the board that are lower than a C. (they have a board with baby pictures on it) Dr. Corfman went over how he was going to perform the transfer. He said that he was going to put a catheter up my vagina into my uterus. Than with a needle put the embryo up into the uterus with some liquid. The actual transfer took no longer than 5 min. The only thing that I could feel was a warm sensation when he was actually putting the embryo in. It was amazing! Dr. Corfman said that the embryo would not actually attach to the wall for 2 to 3 days. Than we would have to wait a few weeks and come back in to see what the results where. Its very hard to think that the retrieval took only 7 min and the transfer only took about 5 min but it took us 2 years to finally get to this point! After the doctors left Brian looked at me and asked how I was feeling... I told him that I was sacred. That this is the first time in my life that I have ever been this scared. There is nothing that we can do, it is in someone elses hands now. He looked at me with the most nervous look in his eyes, he didn't have to say anything I knew exactly what he was thinking and feeling. We sat in silentes for the next few min. Letting everything soak in, reminiscing on the past few years. Both Brian and I are thrilled that we have made it this far. We both can finely breath again. We are hoping and praying that everything will be ok, and in 9 months we will have a beautiful child that we too can add to the wall. We know that this is not a guarantee and are extremely scared, but know that if we have made it this far there is nothing that can come in between us and our dream of one day becoming parents! This will go down in our top 5 most memorable days!